Wednesday, May 12, 2010
One Day at a Time....Life as a Census Worker
I officially started my new call-center job friday, I don't like it AT ALL! Its for the US Census, at my job, the system dials peoples phone numbers from their census form and I have to follow a script to ask questions to clarify the answers they put on their forms to make sure that we have everyone counted at the right address, alot of them are people who listed college students and counted them at their homes but they were away at college, some who have people moving in and out, alot of elderly people we have to make sure they weren't in a nursing home at the time and alot of people who can barely speak english. The people who cannot speak good english are the nicest ones by far. Southerners are nice but the further north and west you got the ruder they get! I've been cursed, yelled at and you would think you were asking for a kidney! Every day I've been sick to my stomach before I go to work, but I HAVE to work or I would tell them to shove it! I mean, it's not like we are trying to collect anything from them or sell them something, its the Census people! I know you filled out your form , that is how I am calling you...this it JUST to make sure that we are counting everyone Correctly!!! I am off for 3 days...Yeah!!!going to look at another house this evening! Wish me luck! comments????
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Insomnia Fool
Well, it's 1:45am and I am still awake...I don't like it when I can't sleep. I normally have NO problem sleeping any time of the day, but it could be because I have not working in the last six days and I wake up at 6:50 am to get my daughter up for school and then wake my husband to go to work...I've got them both spoiled because I lay both of their clothes out, I even get hubby a towel and wash cloth for his shower and tie his shoes! But after they are both out the door at 7:30am, I go back to sleep for a couple of hours. We went and looked at a couple of houses today as we have been contemplating the idea of buying our own house, we own a newer mobile home but it sits on a rented lot, and it's not a ratty looking trailor but a very big 16'x80' long shingled roof home I purchased new 6 years ago, quiet nice for a trailor but I am scared in it when we get tornado warnings...which happens several times a year, and I don't especially care for the lady who owns the property, she lives really close and is extremely nosey. I think I'm a little anti-social also, I don't like to have people visit me at home and I dread when most people call me on the phone. Anyway, the prices for older homes that actually need a little work are outragous here! I thought real estate prices were supposed to be dropping, but they sure aren't here! I was very excited about the possibility of maybe getting a house finally until I did the mortgage calculator...now I'm not so sure...maybe we'll eat ramen noodles for the next 30 years...
No followers?
Well do I feel sad, no comments or followers yet, my feelings of worthlessness and loniless are redeemed here. I went to training last week for a new job in a call Center and I officially start the job this friday and I am soooo dreading it, just know I am gonna suck at it and I am terrified. Yesterday a manager called me and asked me to come back to my last job...I was only there for 6 weeks, I became overwhelmed and walked out, he said he thought I was good in the position. I declined.
My anger has been extreme for the past few days, I get mad and yell at my 13 year old daughter over small things, this morning I was bent over next to the bed picking something up off the floor and my husband was sitting nearby putting on his shoes, when he raised his foot up to tie his shoe, he accidentally hit me in the jaw with his foot, well I went off, cursed him and hit him even though I know it was an accident, I could not control my rage.
My anger has been extreme for the past few days, I get mad and yell at my 13 year old daughter over small things, this morning I was bent over next to the bed picking something up off the floor and my husband was sitting nearby putting on his shoes, when he raised his foot up to tie his shoe, he accidentally hit me in the jaw with his foot, well I went off, cursed him and hit him even though I know it was an accident, I could not control my rage.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Am I borderline Personality?
I have always known that there was something wrong with me, but didn't know what it was. I think I have borderline personality disorder but not as extreme as some of the people I've read about. I am going to break down the reasons I think I might have BPD:
1-My entire life I have felt out of place, alone, inadequate and emotionally outraged.
2-When I was a kid I always pretended to have a different life-In my real life, I was adopted by my grandparents who loved me dearly but I felt abandoned by my mother-I was kind of an only child because when I came along, my aunts/uncles were all alot older and moving into adult life-even though I was like an only child-but I craved to be in a huge family with lots of brothers and sister-I "pretended to be a part of a big family and told friends at school outlandish stories of my brothers and sisters. Even into my early twenties in my mind I would pretend to have a different life-I carried my "family" with me from my childhood fantasy to my adult life. I kept a list of family members and details about were we lived and our lives. My first husband found this and asked me about it=I refused to answer-because I didn't know how to explain.
3-When I was 15 I lost my virginity-I didn't like it and it felt forced & awkward, but I immediately clinged to him emotionally, he broke up with me suddenly with no explanation, I was devastated and was desperate to seek out a new boyfriend. I started to seek out boyfriends and I always initiated the relationships-I was turned down by several guys before I met the man I would eventually marry. . We were inseperable at that point. Once we got married when I was 19 however, I felt scared-I loved him one day, hated him the next. One year into our marriage I began to have an affair. I had told the guy I was leaving my husband, but I was afraid. I would leave and go back the next day, I left my husband probably about six or seven times the whole time we were married. I would see this guy I was having an afair with, break up with him and then take him back, off and on for a bout 3 years. I continued to have affairs with other men for the next 10 year-6 total that I can remember. He found out about one guy because I purposely called him from our home phone because I wanted to get caught but when he figured it out came to my senses & I denied it but he did not believe me-it was the beginning of the end. My husband began to have an affair himself in 2003 and we divorced in 2004. Right before I moved out and we were going through the divorce proccess I began to have new affairs-4 more before I moved out. Once we divorced I immediately began to search for a relationship-I felt like I needed to have a man in my life. I had short lived sexual relationships with several men immediately following my divorce-with six men in a period of about six months, I then entered into a serious relationship with a great guy but I had no feelings of love and no chemistry with him-but felt safe with him. I started to feel like he was not giving me enough time and attention and went into fits rages with him, so I started to see another man, whom I am now married to. I was juggling the two men for a few weeks before I finally cut the first guy lose. I fell hard in love with my now husband and after a very short romance I asked him to move in with me and he did. We got married 8 months into our relationship. Our relationship has been more rocky than any i've ever been in however. We fight, I ask him to leave or he threatens to leave and then we make up. I told my self I would never cheat on him because I loved him so much, but that was a lie....one year after we were married and things were rocky I had affairs with 3 different men in a span of six months. we've now been married almost 4 years and I regret it everyday but I do love him and get scared about losing him but I still have days I wish he would just leave or even die & sometimes I think he is the one with the problems.
4-I cannot keep a job-from the time I first got out of high school I have had aproximately 23 different jobs. My record for one place was 5 years where I ended up getting fired from for not being were I was supposed to be. I did home visitations to clients and I lied about doing it, I was burned out and wanted out of that job so I just quit doing it until they found out and fired me in 2008. i've had 6 jobs sense working there. I get stress out and overwhelming dread washes over me until I cannot take it and eventually don't return or I walk out. Sometimes I hated my co-workers so badly that when I would quit I would tell them off really bad.
5-I am fianancial unstable-I lost all reality at one point when I was married the first time and went crazy with credit cards. I ran up $20,000.00 in credit card debt in a matter of a couple of months and stopped paying my car payment and my husband didn't know it until it was too late. When I realized I had went nuts we immediately went to the bank and remorgaged our home to pay off the debts. After I divorced I struggled and had to work two jobs to pay my bills. After my now husband moved in I lost control again, I felt I needed to buy him things to make him love me so I went into debt for him a new truck which I should have known I couldn't afford. I ran up credit card debt again, taking him and his daughters on shopping sprees and taking vacation trips and he says he didn't realize how much I was spending so I some how blame him also for going along with it. He should have stopped me. I ended up having to file for bankruptcy.
6-I cannot hang onto friends. As of today, I have nobody that I call a friend, I no longer seek friendships because I think its better that way. I eventually end up making them hate me. I always get angry and curse them for all they are worth and never appologize. I am vengful, when friends have crossed me in the past, I would take revenge and do things to get them into legal trouble or spread rumors about them, anything to hurt them.
While typing i've went up and changed the number of jobs 4 times as I keep remembering
another job that I had forgotten about.
1-My entire life I have felt out of place, alone, inadequate and emotionally outraged.
2-When I was a kid I always pretended to have a different life-In my real life, I was adopted by my grandparents who loved me dearly but I felt abandoned by my mother-I was kind of an only child because when I came along, my aunts/uncles were all alot older and moving into adult life-even though I was like an only child-but I craved to be in a huge family with lots of brothers and sister-I "pretended to be a part of a big family and told friends at school outlandish stories of my brothers and sisters. Even into my early twenties in my mind I would pretend to have a different life-I carried my "family" with me from my childhood fantasy to my adult life. I kept a list of family members and details about were we lived and our lives. My first husband found this and asked me about it=I refused to answer-because I didn't know how to explain.
3-When I was 15 I lost my virginity-I didn't like it and it felt forced & awkward, but I immediately clinged to him emotionally, he broke up with me suddenly with no explanation, I was devastated and was desperate to seek out a new boyfriend. I started to seek out boyfriends and I always initiated the relationships-I was turned down by several guys before I met the man I would eventually marry. . We were inseperable at that point. Once we got married when I was 19 however, I felt scared-I loved him one day, hated him the next. One year into our marriage I began to have an affair. I had told the guy I was leaving my husband, but I was afraid. I would leave and go back the next day, I left my husband probably about six or seven times the whole time we were married. I would see this guy I was having an afair with, break up with him and then take him back, off and on for a bout 3 years. I continued to have affairs with other men for the next 10 year-6 total that I can remember. He found out about one guy because I purposely called him from our home phone because I wanted to get caught but when he figured it out came to my senses & I denied it but he did not believe me-it was the beginning of the end. My husband began to have an affair himself in 2003 and we divorced in 2004. Right before I moved out and we were going through the divorce proccess I began to have new affairs-4 more before I moved out. Once we divorced I immediately began to search for a relationship-I felt like I needed to have a man in my life. I had short lived sexual relationships with several men immediately following my divorce-with six men in a period of about six months, I then entered into a serious relationship with a great guy but I had no feelings of love and no chemistry with him-but felt safe with him. I started to feel like he was not giving me enough time and attention and went into fits rages with him, so I started to see another man, whom I am now married to. I was juggling the two men for a few weeks before I finally cut the first guy lose. I fell hard in love with my now husband and after a very short romance I asked him to move in with me and he did. We got married 8 months into our relationship. Our relationship has been more rocky than any i've ever been in however. We fight, I ask him to leave or he threatens to leave and then we make up. I told my self I would never cheat on him because I loved him so much, but that was a lie....one year after we were married and things were rocky I had affairs with 3 different men in a span of six months. we've now been married almost 4 years and I regret it everyday but I do love him and get scared about losing him but I still have days I wish he would just leave or even die & sometimes I think he is the one with the problems.
4-I cannot keep a job-from the time I first got out of high school I have had aproximately 23 different jobs. My record for one place was 5 years where I ended up getting fired from for not being were I was supposed to be. I did home visitations to clients and I lied about doing it, I was burned out and wanted out of that job so I just quit doing it until they found out and fired me in 2008. i've had 6 jobs sense working there. I get stress out and overwhelming dread washes over me until I cannot take it and eventually don't return or I walk out. Sometimes I hated my co-workers so badly that when I would quit I would tell them off really bad.
5-I am fianancial unstable-I lost all reality at one point when I was married the first time and went crazy with credit cards. I ran up $20,000.00 in credit card debt in a matter of a couple of months and stopped paying my car payment and my husband didn't know it until it was too late. When I realized I had went nuts we immediately went to the bank and remorgaged our home to pay off the debts. After I divorced I struggled and had to work two jobs to pay my bills. After my now husband moved in I lost control again, I felt I needed to buy him things to make him love me so I went into debt for him a new truck which I should have known I couldn't afford. I ran up credit card debt again, taking him and his daughters on shopping sprees and taking vacation trips and he says he didn't realize how much I was spending so I some how blame him also for going along with it. He should have stopped me. I ended up having to file for bankruptcy.
6-I cannot hang onto friends. As of today, I have nobody that I call a friend, I no longer seek friendships because I think its better that way. I eventually end up making them hate me. I always get angry and curse them for all they are worth and never appologize. I am vengful, when friends have crossed me in the past, I would take revenge and do things to get them into legal trouble or spread rumors about them, anything to hurt them.
While typing i've went up and changed the number of jobs 4 times as I keep remembering
another job that I had forgotten about.
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